Everybody has that thing they think they have a handle on better than anyone else. They know they’re right, one day the whole world will know, and then we’ll all see they weren’t so crazy after all. While the rest of you are sitting around in your dimly lit family rooms explaining in hushed tones who was really hiding in the grassy knoll, or loudly preaching to the rest of your semi-drunk poker buddies about government UFO cover-ups, my husband and I are preparing ourselves for the coming zombie apocalypse. What?! It could totally happen!
We had a list all made out long before the movie Zombieland and its cute little list of rules came out. For example, when you see zombies coming, get thee to higher ground – zombies can’t climb stairs!! Get rural – the more highly populated an area was before people started turning, the more brain eaters there are likely to be around. Shotguns are most effective because they don’t require the best aim, but use sparingly, because the sound of one going off is like a dinner bell for zombies. Shovels are temporarily effective, though not deadly. A blow to the head can significantly slow the undead without having to get within arm’s reach of one, and won’t alert the rest of the zombie horde. During times of crisis is when a lot of people suddenly find religion. But for the love of everything holy, don’t take shelter in a church, I beg of you! If you’re late to the game you’re going to walk into a huge mess of the undead. Anywhere there might be large groups of people – supermarkets, churches, Wal*Mart, schools, you name it – they’re all infested. Avoid them.
Why is this important, you ask? Because I believe the time is drawing nigh… the zombie apocalypse is at hand… we’re about to be royally and evolutionally screwed. How do I know? Because I believe I discovered its humble beginnings in my very own backyard today.
See, Chris and I theorize that this kind of thing will sort of sneak up on us. It starts with critters. We’ll find some sort of weird, jacked-up mutation somewhere, scientists will take a picture and speculate, we’ll tweet about it for a day, and we’ll all go back to the latest celebrity gossip. It’ll be a non-event because we’re more concerned about the sex of Snooki’s baby than the survival of the human race to notice. I swear I really hope you don’t know who that is, by the way. I’m going to need gallons of eyeball bleach and some sort of reparative therapy to purge that one.
This morning I opened the back door to let the dogs out and saw this thing (which will be henceforth referred to as SLUGZILLA) on the back fence. If you’re familiar with the talent(s?) of slugs, one thing they’re particularly adept at is stretching themselves out all skinny-like whilst trudging along on their daily… whatever it is slugs do on fences. SLUGZILLA was heading in a diagonal direction and had made itself so long it was stretched out across two and a half fence boards. I mentioned this was diagonally, right? I considered taking a picture of it but didn’t want it zipping up to the digital cloud and grossing up both laptops, both phones, and the Apple TV.
A while ago I mentioned to Chris I wasn’t going to be walking around barefoot in the grass for a while, knowing SLUGZILLA was slinking around among the blades of grass. Although that thing is so huge that I have a feeling we’d see grass parting and a flat spot in its wake if it did. Chris looked at me and said, “Oh it’s still out there, just not on the fence.” Um… WHAT?! Then he proceeds to tell me it dug itself a little hole and was all nestled up in it. I laughed. I scoffed. I threw as much derision and ridicule his way as I possibly could. Until he challenged me to go outside and see for myself.
Yeah. That would be SLUGZILLA. I braved putting my foot that close to give you an idea of its size, lest you think I’m exaggerating. What I’m also not exaggerating is that I wear a woman’s 10 1/2 wide (US). My feet aren’t exactly dainty and neither is SLUGZILLA. Here’s the thing, though. When Chris said it dug a hole for itself, I figured it just lolled around until it got cozy, leaving a small depression under its body. But noooooo…. this thing made a freaking HOLE for itself right next to the house, shrunk itself down all fat and stripy, and is now triple dog daring us to try and get rid of it. I’m sorry, but I thought the really weird and scary critters were all down in Australia. No offense to my Aussie readers, but you have the worlds most poisonous creatures, the most toxic, and the most venomous. Land or sea, doesn’t matter, you’ve got ’em. Even the cute ones are dangerous – kangaroos can eviscerate a human with its claws, and don’t get close enough to tell a platypus you think he’s weird, because those goofy things have venomous ankle spurs that can kill small animals and render humans completely useless from pain. You also have earthworms that can grow up to three feet long (about a meter). Okay, so we have those in the Pacific Northwest, but it’s still all Australia’s fault. Because this is a conspiracy theory, and I said so.
I think that thing (and likely a few relatives) tunneled their way here under the floor of the Pacific, running into some kind of bizarre, radioactive primordial goo left over from all those nuclear tests we did back in the day, evolving and morphing into the monster you see in the above picture (Still Australia’s fault – you let them loose!). SLUGZILLA happened to come up for air in my backyard. Whatever spores or slime or gunk they’re leaving in our soil and gardens is going to slowly infect humans until the day we wake up and realize there are too many zombies and only one Bruce Campbell and that we are all in deep undead doo-doo.
Please don’t write and tell me I’m bat crap crazy for suggesting this theory. It could be a perfectly rational explanation for the appearance of SLUGZILLA and the beginnings of the zombie apocalypse. It could also be a perfectly rational explanation for why a grown woman ran screaming like she was on fire from her backyard, through the garage, and out onto the driveway demanding, “I WANT A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST THAT THING!”
Either way, when the time comes – and believe me, it will – grab your shovel and head on over to my house. We’re totally ready.
Edit: Chris looked it up and found that what we have slinking around our yard is a banana slug – the second largest slug in the world. IN THE FREAKING WORLD. I’m not completely koo-koo…
Banana slugs are often bright yellow (giving rise to the banana sobriquet) although they may also be green, brown, or white. Some slugs have black spots (Ariolimax columbianus) which may be so extensive as to make the animal look almost solid black.
The Pacific banana slug is the second-largest species of terrestrial slug in the world, growing up to 25 centimetres (9.8 in) long, and weights of 115 gram (4 oz). (The largest slug species is Limax cinereoniger of Europe, which can reach 30 centimetres (12 in) in length.)